This sheds new light on Romans 7:15: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ”

Leave aside for now whether St. Paul was describing his current experience or what it’s like for anyone to live under the law without the power of the Holy Spirit.

Whatever else is there, I wonder if the passage may also speak to something subtler, namely the natural human tendency to imagine ourselves more virtuous at heart than we are: “Oh, I try so hard to resist temptation, but I’m only human, like St. Paul.”

When a temptation first comes, we feel the conflict between the attraction and what we know is right. If we give in to the temptation, we may feel remorse immediately after, conflict within, even self-loathing (“O, wretched man that I am!”). But in the very moment when we choose to give in, we are choosing what we want.

I support this idea from my own experience and scripture. See what you think.

In 1 Cor 10:13 St Paul tells us that “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

If I am honest with myself, I know there is a moment when I reject the grace available to endure. It’s hard to admit but rejecting that grace and giving in was exactly what I wanted to do — not before, and not afterwards, but in that moment.

The pre-sin struggle may be long or short, but the decision happens in a moment. It can happen in a nanosecond, the time it takes to think of rude rebuttal, to think, “No!” then “Yes!” and let it fly.

When we choose, we choose what we want not what we don’t want, at that moment, between the options we believe are available.

The presence of grace creates options for us, and not all of them are welcome. Grace lays the responsibility right where we don’t want it and challenges our victim status.

The issue is not the battle between doing what we want and don’t want — we always do what we want in the moment — but coming to want, indeed, to love, with all our hearts, what pleases our Lord.