Stephen R Covey followed his best-selling, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, with the Eighth Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness. It was not as popular, but its central message is widely proclaimed in the domains of management and self-help: “Finding Your Voice.”

Many people feel they have something to say, but somehow it remains stuck inside. Or when they try to express it, no one seems to hear. This is painful and frustrating. My Mom used to say, “Impression without expression leads to depression.” Everyone has something to say, but many have a hard time finding their voice.

Not me. I’ve been talking for a living since I left college. For someone with deep self-consciousness and a crippling fear of public speaking this might not seem likely. My intense desire to express myself overcame these impediments. My ninth grade English teacher nicknamed me “the oracle”. I have repressed all memories of the 14-year-old boy that earned that nickname.

I am now well into the second half of life chronologically, but always the late-bloomer, I am just beginning to sample some of the good changes that can come with elderhood. One of the reasons we resist these changes is that with them we get glimpses of our earlier selves, which can be almost unbearable.

I see now how much of my teaching and preaching have been aimed at changing and correcting others, “helping” them to see things my way, the right way, to abandon their flawed perspectives and come on into the light, with me.

Believe it or not this can be done with a depth of naivete that never questions the purity of one’s motives and intentions. So, I shared, talked, taught and preached, explained, argued, wrote, passed along links, and ordered books.

Two ears, two eyes, one mouth! Was the Creator trying to tell us something in that design?

Part of me envies the Trappist monks. But I still have to do some talking. I just hope whatever I say and write will come increasingly out of a place of silence.

Spiritual formation pioneer and author, Richard Foster, wrote:

“Silence frees us from the need to control others. One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes us feel so helpless. We are accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. A frantic stream of words flows from us in an attempt to straighten others out. We want so desperately for them to agree with us, to see things our way. We evaluate people, judge people, condemn people. We devour people with our words. Silence is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on that.”

I realize that I haven’t been driven as much by a need to be right, though that has been present too, but mostly by deep loneliness. My sister calls this the desire for a “me too.” If I couldn’t find a community of like-minded soulmates, perhaps I could make one. It’s not much fun to be on the receiving end of such efforts.

In silence, and through silence, I am coming to see the value of others just as they are, beautiful ends in themselves, not as potential means to comfort my loneliness or validate my views.