What follows may see too simple. All I can say is that this has worked amazingly well for me, and on that basis I commend it for your consideration.

Disappointment comes when our positive expectations are not met. [When our negative expectations are not met, we call that relief.]

Our expectations exist on spectrum of certainty, comparable to betting odds.

We visualize our expectations on a spectrum from vivid to vague.

I call these visualizations of what we hope for, “pretty pictures”.

When reality does not match our “pretty picture” we instinctively blame reality. Our fast brain tells us that it should have matched, that we have been wronged, that we have a right to be disappointed.

It is easy to find others who agree.

Our slower and wiser prefrontal cortex knows that reality “is what it is” and that we were the ones who created the pretty picture.

Here is the maxim: Disappointment just means we got it wrong.

Being wrong beats being wronged every time, at least for me.

It’s one thing to be disappointed (wrong) about the weather when you planned a picnic, quite another to be disappointed (wrong) about a person you hoped would match our expectation.

We know it’s silly to be mad at the weather, but with people it feels different. They could (and therefore should) have behaved otherwise! Why didn’t they?! What’s wrong with them?!

Have you ever been blamed for failing to match someone’s pretty picture of you? It feels unfair. The shoulds and oughts begin to fly.

Do we dare to say calmly, “I guess you were wrong about me?”

Or, when the shoe is on the other foot, can we say, “I guess I was wrong about you?”

Can we own our expectations?

And can we see the expectations of others for what they are–their expectations. Theirs.

Food for further thought: What about when we disappoint ourselves? Some of us would rather take an internal (and often eternal) beating than to say, “I guess I was wrong about me. “